Update to close friends - shock of capture - 4th Feb 2023

Day 4 of admission

Hey all. Firstly, thanks for all the messages and offers of visits this week. It‘s been quite an overwhelming experience hence why I declined the visits, hope you understand. I thought I’d send an update as everyone has been asking how I’m getting on and I’m conscious everyone’s had varying levels of detail. Sorry for the overshare but this’ll make it slightly easier for me to keep track!

For anyone not aware, my CT scan on Wednesday showed something (unknown yet whether it’s benign or more sinister) which has been impeding the blood flow to my leg (hence swelly leg) and also my kidney function (hence hurty back). Fortunately, a surgery slot became available last night at short notice (just to protect my kidney function - no news yet on how we tackle the offending blockage). Obvs I completely flapped but I’m out now and feeling a lot better to have that step nipped. I have some residual pain which even on a fentanyl-morphine cocktail is frankly crippling, but will hopefully dissipate over the next few days. I would say I’d love to welcome visitors but I don’t fancy any of you seeing and photographing me in my flappy ass gown. Also, I’m optimistically banking on being discharged today, but waiting out on morning rounds, which rarely occur in the morning! Regardless, I wanted to thank you all for the support thus far and let you know I’m ok and better than yesterday (mentally at least!).

P.s. for anyone who wants some comic relief, apparently I’m their first patient to come round from general anaesthetic and drunkenly shout “My cock!” before throwing up on the bemused nurse who came to investigate. Read into that what you will.

Context

So this is a message sent to a small (6 people) WhatsApp group of close friends whom I work with. My Trust Tree. They had been the closest to me in the days leading up to my hospital admission and were keeping in regular contact with me to let work know whether I would be coming back or staying in hospital. They were absolutely belligerent in their desires to come and visit me, if only to bring me supplies or check on me. The gravity of what I had been told on the morning of the 2nd had really hit me hard, and I felt (still do) it important that I be given a bit of time to process this alone. I absolutely maintain that my friends have got me through the worst of it and I am forever grateful, but sometimes what's needed more is a bit of personal reflection or in my case some time to completely zone out and NOT think about tumours or invasive surgery. There was no way I would have been able to sit there and make small talk knowing I was due for surgery any moment, nor that I would be able to discuss the situation in a positive and productive manner when just texting about it brought me to the edge of tears.

I went as far as withholding details of my ward and requesting that the nurses reject any visitors stating they were here to see me. Obviously I told my friends all of this, and whilst it seems extreme, with hindsight it was absolutely the right call. I'd like to think they understand now if they didn't then, though I'm sure they did - I've got pretty epic mates.

NB: a few days later I sent a slightly beefed up version of this update to a larger group, probably the start of my regular en masse updates. I had to include some additional context for those who hadn't been as fully appraised as the Trust Tree, but it was basically the same message with some extra details about an MRI I'd just had and a little whinge of vindication that the pain I had been complaining about for months was warranted!